


Dumbass Dynamics

by AgentBuzzkill



Series: Fic Requests [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Just dorks being dorks, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-08
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-02-16 14:05:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2272569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentBuzzkill/pseuds/AgentBuzzkill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>By all accounts, they shouldn't be able to make it work.</p><p>Somehow they do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dumbass Dynamics

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic requested by my Caboose!Anon for the AU ask meme.
> 
> #20: dysfunctional relationship AU with Churboose and some background Grimmons

"I swear to every holy being in the goddamn universe Caboose, if you ask me one more dumb question-"

"But Church, I need to know! If you park in it, why is it called a driveway? That just seems very misleading and I do not like it."

BANG!

"Church you should be more careful your gun is going off accidentally a lot more than usual."

BANG! BANG!

"What the hell is going on!?"

"Oh! Tucker! Hello! Church is just trying to answer some of my questions, do not worry!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Wow Church, you really are a lousy shot!"

BANG!

"Okay, okay! Message received, man. I’ll leave you two alone."

-x-

"They’re complete opposites," Tucker says, running a hand over his recently shaved scalp. His helmet sits on the table in front of him, and he stares at his reflection in it as he talks. 

"I have no idea how they do it. Caboose manages to get on Church’s last nerve almost every day. And the guy is short on nerves to begin with. Maybe it’s just hate sex? There’s certainly nothing wrong with that." He smiles at his reflection then. "I remember this one chick and I, oh man she was terrible. Couldn’t stand her. But when she bent over and-"

He looks up, his dark complexion not entirely managing to hide the blush creeping up his face. “Uh, anyway…where was I? Oh right, Church and Caboose. Yeah I don’t know what’s up with them, man.”

-x-

"Come on, they’ll never find us here."

"Grif, this is blue base! I can’t believe nobody’s been around to catch us yet, and if Sarge finds out-"

"Which he won’t, because I had Donut make him that special tea that keeps him out cold for at least six hours."

“You drugged our superior-”

"Not drugged! Just…coaxed into a deep, dreamless slumber."

"…"

"Oh don’t give me that look. you kiss ass. Look, here’s a closet. We go in, we bang, we get out. Simple as that."

"Grif, I still don’t…"

"Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?"

-x-

"We picked the wrong closet," Grif says quietly, staring down at his hands in his lap. Simmons appears to have permanently turned a bright shade of red.

"All I can say is that Caboose is really, really flexible." He mutters.

"Not as flexible as you," Grif leers before Simmons punches him in the arm. "But yeah," he says with a scowl as he rubs his arm, "Caboose and Church. Who would’ve thought?"

-x-

"Church."

"…"

"Church."

"…"

"Church?"

"Ugh, what is it now, Caboose?"

"…"

"Well come on, you woke me up. Spit it out."

"I had a bad dream."

"Another one?"

"Yeah. A really bad one."

"Fine. Come here."

"…"

"You know it wasn’t real, right?"

"It felt real."

"Well it wasn’t real."

"How do you know that?"

"Because this, right here? You and me? This is real."

"How do you know?"

"I just know. I know everything, remember?"

"Yes. I remember."

"So when I tell you this is real, you gotta believe me. Because I know everything."

"That makes sense I suppose."

"Here. Try sleeping now. I’ll keep the bad dreams away."

"But what if you can’t?"

"Then I’ll be right here when you wake up. I promise."

"…"

"Caboose?"

"…"

"Well at least one of us can get back to sleep easily."

-x-

"Church is great!" Caboose says enthusiastically, excited to talk about one of his favorite topics. "When he’s sad I try to cheer him up, and sometimes we kiss and it’s really great! Also he lets me cook for him sometimes, and one time he said it was good! I burn things a lot though, but he always tells me I’ll do better next time. And he even gives me nicknames, like dumbass and moron, which he only gives to people like me and Tucker. He doesn’t kiss Tucker though, because Tucker is stupid. And Church only likes me because I am his best friend-"

He doesn’t seem intent on stopping his tangent any time soon.

-x-

"Why do I like Caboose so much?" Church almost looks insulted at the question. 

"I don’t like Caboose. I never have. You’ve met that moron, right? He killed me for crap’s sake, it’s a miracle I managed to get another body after that whole mess. No, I’m never gonna like him. He’s stupid and childish and he has too much goddamn energy and he asks too many goddamn questions."

He pauses for a moment, looks away for a bit. He seems to come to a conclusion, and he even smiles a bit.

"I’ll never like Caboose, but shit…I think I might love him."

Coming back to himself, he looks around.

"You tell anyone that and I kill you, got it?"

**Author's Note:**

> Another anon asked me recently if I would elaborate on what Church and Caboose were up to in the closet. If you'd be interested in reading that, let me know!


End file.
